If I’m counting right, tomorrow marks ten weeks from surgery. Polly continues to be a generally good sport about all this; periodically we have full dragon days where we walk and I swear at her as she goes vertical and sideways and forwards, but for a five year old not allowed to move in the winter? We really are doing OK.

We rode in Iceland a couple years ago. I recognized then that I get worried with any forwards walk. I know why: Fetti had an awful walk 95% of the time, and that 5% of the time where we got an actual forwards walk, she was so amped it was bordering on “are you going to bolt” and sometimes the answer was yes. I recognized then, too, this was a problem: I cannot panic every time a horse does an actual walk. Polly naturally has a forwards walk, and goes a few levels up when enthusiastic. With her it’s the vibe I get that dictates whether I need to bail, not the forwards walk itself.

In some ways I’m more anxious now than when I first started Polly under saddle. My biggest worry then was whether she would stand still while getting on. She has that part down now! Instead I worry now about whether she’ll get amped and explode. I don’t have confidence that I have steering. I’m still reliant on someone walking us around on a line.

It’s silly, and I know it. This pony was fabulous at training. She’s given fair warning nearly every time she’s exploded. I suspect, in hindsight, she gave fair warning then too and I just didn’t recognize it. I rode her around our last barn with no ground crew! Anxiety can’t be rationalized away that easily though, so for week one of tack-walking this last week, we’ve had someone walk us every time.

Day one of tack-walking I was basically a passenger. I held on to the saddle 75% of the time and held a whole lot of tension, well, everywhere. It’s been slow but steady improvements since then. I am grateful for a good friend who knows how to push my boundaries, walks with us out on the trail, reminds me that the horse is fine and maybe I should stay on another minute. Day one of trail tack-walking we both felt her energy go up, we paused, I hopped off. She didn’t end up exploding, but it was not an energy level I was comfortable riding through. In contrast, the next day everything felt great and I stayed on an extra minute or two. Polly was being good, I was worrying about what my theoretical exploding pony might do and not the chill pony I was actually riding, and my friend was correct: I needed to stay on as we turned around to convince myself it would be fine. It was fine!

Rehab is an interesting exercise in re-training me and my confidence as well as rebuilding Polly’s muscles and movement.

Our next vet visit is right at the end of the year so we can get a baseline as we start trotting. Honestly, the idea terrifies me right now. I’ve never trotted her under saddle. Right now she understands that the correct answer is to stay at a walk, even a very fast walk. What happens when she understands that sometimes we trot too? Will she start bolting forward under saddle when we trot? The worst she’s done really is just a few strides of frustrated exploding pony, and then she’ll come back. I know I’m being irrational. She trotted under saddle at training and she was fine. She trotted under saddle at the vet’s place to assess her stifles with heavy machinery in the background and she was fine. Brains are hard! So my current plan is to trot her in-hand a day or two first, prove to myself that in fact I could ride this, and then try it under saddle probably on a line. I’m hoping by that point I will feel comfortable walking off-line, so that’s the goal for this next week.

Slow and steady, we’re getting through this.