Diagnosis
I’m derailing from my usual pony-centric blog topics a bit on this one. It’s intertwined a bit and I want it noted for myself, but feel free to skip on by; pony posts resume later this week.
I went in for an already-scheduled doctors visit late in the week following my fall. I expected to be mildly chastised for riding with headaches, and had already prepared my defenses: I can’t stop my life every time my head hurts, I self-evaluated, it didn’t seem that bad, I won’t get back on until things are back to normal. Instead, since the concussion had already been evaluated, that seemed to be of little concern. (Which: great! I’m comfortable with that and comfortable with my plan to continue self-evaluating and moving forward when it seems reasonable.) ‘The migraines have improved from the month of misery I had earlier this year back to my baseline of not-ideal-but-normal. The new meds, though, seem to have helped slightly with the general joint pain and sensitivity. No, we’ve never talked about that, I thought it was normal?’
Apparently I continue to have a very skewed idea of normal, but I am lucky enough to have some professionals in my life who can tell me that my reactions to certain things are Not Normal, and that doing X or Y or Z has improved it or not improved it. On my own, I just keep grasping at straws. Maybe I’m riding crooked? Maybe Fetti’s pulling on my shoulder and I’m not bracing correctly? Maybe I’m holding mane while riding bareback in the winter and that’s why my shoulder is flared up for weeks or months at a time?
The visit concluded, my head spinning, as we discussed the possibility of fibromyalgia and that it sounds like it might be a match for what I have going on. Fibromyalgia is a diagnosis of exclusion. I’m not nearly far enough in the process to claim that this is the correct diagnosis for me, only that it is a possibility and I can see why.
I have a horse. I ride for several hours at a time. Endurance, though, at least the way Fetti and I do it? It’s a low-intensity sport. I’m not mentally or physically “on” for hours at a time. A good ride has us cruising down the trail, not working too hard, just keeping up our all-day trot. I don’t get tired posting (although! I could definitely use some lessons to correct my form, but right now, we’re making do).
Lessons, though? Lessons wipe me out and have since high school. Ride an hour, really working the whole hour, then go home and nap. I never thought anything of it. Isn’t that normal?
Maybe I need to manage my spoons differently, but I can still ride. I’m already making choices that allow me to keep things under control. This just reinforces that it’s very possible I’ll need to continue doing that on a broader scale.
The good news: my post-fall headache was completely gone, so I considered myself cleared to get back on the horse for a leisurely ride, assuming she was capable of giving me a leisurely ride.. in the interests of cramming everything into one day, I’d scheduled a trainer ride (!) for the afternoon.
I’m about two weeks behind on getting things posted (as is probably obvious by now), and in the two weeks since the maybe-diagnosis, I’ve had time to go through a bunch of the stages of grief. My injuries were always supposed to be fixable. Some I have come to terms with being chronic pains; others ebb and flare enough that I’ve sought answers time and time again from the medical profession and been left without anything solid. I’m grateful that I might have an answer. The answer itself sucks. Knowing that some of what I have now might be lifelong challenges sucks, too.
But you know what? Endurance is a great sport for me. I completed a 50 without feeling the need to immediately curl up in a heap and nap. I’m young and early in the process. Fetti’s never let me breed-limit her; I won’t diagnosis-limit me. Staying active is supposed to be one of the best things I can do? Well, with this pony, I’m not allowed to take time off.
yes that’s a cliff on the right, yes I’m riding with one hand on the reins. Love this horse!
It’s an interesting journey we’re on, she and I, but we’re still making our way down the trail.
Oh, that’s rough.
I understand what you mean about the grieving process. I went through a similar emotional cascade when I found out I had arthritis in my foot. It’s incurable! It’s supposed to happen to old people! It really sucks, but there’s a lot of power in finally figuring out what’s going on.
I hope you get a more definitive dx soon and start working on mitigating the bad stuff. Hugs!
Awww. You’re actually the person I thought of first, and that gave me a LOT of confidence in coping with it, that I’m not the only crazy person with old-person injuries. I’ve been down the road of “we have no idea what’s wrong with you” for so long now that even a tentative diagnosis is really, really wonderful.
Fig,
You know I’ve been going through my own share of personal demons when it comes to my physical health and riding. It ain’t an easy fix-all, and I was out of the saddle for months and months while my leg was healing, and once i was deemed capable of riding by my OS and PT, getting on was the easy part (it was actually sitting in the saddle as the horse moved and getting off that was the hard part) and then I had a crisis of well … me, put off riding again, and didn’t have the energy to ride and everything felt miserable. I’m only now just really getting in the saddle again after almost 3 months off.
So I totally get you when you talk about needing to manage spoons and such differently. It’s all about finding what works. My knee still doesn’t bend the way it should be, but I am capable of walking without limping, can mount and dismount (finally) from the ground, though I prefer to use a mounting block for mounting (dismounting has to be to the ground because I’m afraid I’d miss the block and probably kill myself in the process) and I’ve only just managed to start trotting a little and cantering after spending most of my initial get-back-on-the-horse time just walking around. I might never ever be 100% what I was again. I may need another surgery to clean up scar tissue, I might be looking at a knee replacement in 5 years, who knows. But I’ve managed my riding time and my choices — I don’t jump, I don’t necessarily go fast, I have a Haflinger who is awesomesauce on the trails. We might never drive again, or I might eventually get myself a little mini and a cart, but I’m just taking it as it comes.
I know about grief. I know about pain. There were moments last year (man, I look back at last year at this time and I was still in a wheelchair for goodness sake) when I doubted I’d ever walk again. But I’m still going. And I’m still going to climb in the saddle, even if it’s just taking a quick spin on the barn trails.
Anyway, just know that I’m there for you, if you ever wanna hit me up to chat on FB or whatever, because I know what you’re going through. We’re young, we should have our whole lives ahead of us, and well … we’re making due as best we can, eh?
Wait, I’m not the only person afraid of missing the block when getting off?!
Some days are better than others. New normal, indeed. So glad to see you riding again!
My mom has fibromyalgia, a secondary condition that developed after she got sick with e coli. She takes celebrex and it does wonders. It’s not what celebrex was developed for, but it really has improved my mom’s quality of life and reduced the pain and fatigue she was dealing with. Every once in a while she has to go off of it due to silliness with her medical coverage, but they always reapprove her going back on due to the unrelenting joint pain she experiences off of it. She’s had to prove several times that the generic is not as effective.
I just wanted to let you know so you could talk with your doc about it.
Excellent! Adding that to my running list of notes. It’s always good to have options.
I’m sorry about the sucky (potential) diagnoses. I’m like you, I’ll just keep going even if things hurt and assume that’s my normal. I’m glad your doctors are working to help you though.
I am super-pleased with my neurologist, who puts up with my inconsistent focus on my migraines and yearly falls off the pony (and occasional falls down hillsides. Oops).
I’m glad the doctors might be figuring something out. I do think that we horse-people work through more pain/uncomfort than many. Though we’d never expect our horses to! A horse is NQR and we begin to panic! So I am glad you’re taking care of yourself, many more miles to go!
I may or may not have scheduled possible hock injections for the pony because she’s not moving brilliantly, while I’m over here still limping a little bit from my hike a week and a half ago and with bruises not entirely healed from the fall three weeks ago..
So, um, yes. Nailed it. Completely.
I’m glad that you got a diagnosis(sort of) with a path to try forward, you seem to have your mental state in the right place (optimism yay). I hope things work out!
Sort of! Sometimes! It’s a work in progress 🙂