I feel like no matter where I start this, I’m starting in the middle.

In a lot of ways, we’ve had a really good month. I am still getting on. She’s cleared to trot, and allowed to zoom a bit. That really has made a world of difference.

It would be easy to say that rehab is linear. First we handwalked for 15 minutes, then 30; then we walked under saddle for 10, then more, then 30. And that’s true. Now we’re cleared to trot under saddle! But. Trotting a green horse, in rehab, under saddle.. is frankly a little terrifying. Ten minutes of trotting? Still a ways off. On a good day, we’re trotting 10-20 steps at a time. Sometimes I can steer and trot, even.

On a bad day, I forget that I can’t hand her my mental and emotional baggage the way I could Fetti. If I am not zen, she is not zen. The week I quit giving her ace, I had a rough day at home, and I didn’t leave it there. Polly worried about the trees, about the possibility of other people, flung her head wildly around, and we were generally a mess. I despaired. I commented I should pick up more ace. I went home, thought about it, gave myself space. I did not get more drugs. It’s time to work through the stress, or to set her up for success by not bringing it to her, but drugging the edge off is just postponing problems now. It would be so easy to take the quick fix, to let that carry us another month or two, but it’s not fair to her either.

So I am practicing being zen, and finding calm before working with her. Some days that means I don’t ride because I can’t get my mental act together. That is OK. Some days it means just.. standing in her stall while she eats. No pressure to do things until I like where I’m at better, and when I find that, then we go out.

Our rides, too, are a practice in being calm, honoring emotions. I’m trying hard to be mindful the language I use both verbally and in my head. “You are the weirdest horse” – as she walks along, nose to the ground, sniffing away – totally fine. “You’re awful” or “You’re so dumb” – not fine. It’s OK for me to be frustrated. Rehab is hard. But she’s not being difficult intentionally. She doesn’t know where to put all the energy. She’s anxious and worried about people on trail because we don’t have enough confidence yet to work through it. She doesn’t entirely understand the question of standing still at the mounting block* while I find a moment of zen and bounce on. I see your worry, pony. I acknowledge it. It is valid. I think we’re OK and I’d like you to try walking a few steps anyway for me.

*OK, we did have a breakthrough on this at the very end of the month and it clicked and she lined herself up. We’ll see if it sticks, but it’s excellent progress.

There is no shame in getting off and handwalking our way through the question. Our rides for a few weeks were going over to a teeny-tiny, inch-deep “river” across the trail, letting her think about the question, letting her splash her way on through. She worried a lot about the change in the trail there at first. And then one day I determined that I would definitely hop off when she paused, and she marched on through the whole section. “I got this!” She’s smart, and she’s trying so hard to be good.

The firefighters were practicing with their fire hose this last weekend, full water blasting and all. Our mares thought it was exceptionally odd and very concerning. The flock of turkeys right by us didn’t help. So we stood, and we contemplated, and we opted not to walk past. They worried about it again the next day. I can’t blame them. I was tense remembering it too. But we’re getting through things one day at a time, whatever speed we’re at, slowly setting the foundation.

That ten minutes of trot.. that’s not even a goal. We’ll get there when we get there. More walking won’t hurt. When I feel we can trot twenty steps, we’ll do it. Twenty-five. Incrementally from there. Screw up and lose confidence early, and we’ll just have to work harder to get there a second time. Getting on seemed terrifying at first, and now I can trot without being on a line, sometimes! Her walk isn’t terrifying, mostly!

Rehab is hard. Green horses are hard. Building relationships is hard. But we’re getting through it and making small, incremental steps in the right direction.